When it comes to a broken heart, sometimes there’s no better remedy than being incredibly petty. Luckily, zoos have come in clutch with some deliciously vindictive ways to insult your ex (or enemies) this Valentine’s Day, while also doing some good for our animal friends.
1. Dedicate a pile of poop
Give someone the gift of elephant dung.
Image credit: M.INTAKUM/Shutterstock.com
Would you describe your ex as a piece of crap? Well, we’ve got just the fundraiser for you. The nearly 7,000 animals at Fort Worth Zoo in Texas produce a whole lot of poop, and for the very reasonable price of $10, you can dedicate a pound of it to your ex.
Not only do you get the satisfaction of knowing you’ve attached the name of that not-so-special someone to something as stinky as they are, but also that you’ve done some good. The money goes towards the zoo caring and feeding for the animals, whilst the poop gets sent off to be used as nutrient-rich compost. Triple win.
2. “Neuter” your ex
Okay, just to clarify, we’re not recommending actually neutering your ex – that’s wrong on multiple levels and we’d rather you not end up in jail – but with the help of the Homeward Bound Pet Adoption Center in New Jersey, you can at least do it metaphorically.
By donating $50, you can get a feral cat named after your ex, which will then be neutered or spayed and released back into the community. This allows the center to run their trap-neuter-return program for free or at a reduced cost, helping to control the population of stray cats in the local community.
3. “Feed” them to the owls
This Valentine’s Day, the Northern Spotted Owl Breeding Program is giving you the opportunity to transform your rat of an ex (or archenemy, as they suggest) into an actual rat, which also happens to be dead and destined for an owl’s stomach.
As part of their “No regRATS” fundraiser, for $5 or more, the program will name a dead rat after whoever you want and then feed it to one of the owls. You’ll even be sent a photo of the rat and the owl that gobbled it up, though whether or not you then send it to your ex/enemy with the caption “this is you btw” is up to you.
4. Or feed ’em to the lions
Nom nom.
Image credit: Tim Gould/Shutterstock.com
If dead rats and owls don’t feel quite savage enough, WildCat Ridge Sanctuary in Oregon can help you take it one step further. By donating $75, they’ll take your ex’s “heart” – a heart-shaped treat of gelatin and meat – and feed it to their wildcats, sending you a video of the feast.
Not only does the money help the sanctuary look after its residents, who are rescued captive-born wildcats, but both donors and the cats get some enjoyment out of the “Be My Bloody Valentine” campaign.
“For me, the really fun part is seeing the cats doing something entirely new for them, and really, really getting into it,” Associate Executive Director Ian Ford told KOIN. “We have a video of one of our Asian leopard cats. They’re really small, and she grabs the heart and she just takes off with it and she’s growling and eating it. And, man, it’s cathartic.”
