A new piece of research has investigated the “flirting paradox”, or what happens when somebody tries to flirt with your partner (and vice versa). It suggests you may not want to deliberately try and make your partner jealous in order to increase their desire, contrary to some very bad advice you may receive from friends.
In previous psychology studies, researchers have found evidence that people tend to be more interested in potential partners when they appear to be attractive or desirable to others. You see that a whole load of people flirt with a potential partner, your interest in them may increase.
“The evaluation of partners does not end after entering into relationships, as individuals continuously assess the mate value of their partners, influenced by their partner’s attractiveness to others,” the team explains in their paper.
“However, while mate choice copying has been extensively studied among individuals seeking a partner, less is known about how witnessing others’ attention toward current partners shapes the way these partners are perceived.”
To look into how people react when others flirt with their partner, the researchers could not simply flirt with some volunteers’ partners in front of them. Instead, they presented participants who were in a committed relationship with a range of scenarios in which their partner received unsolicited attention from others, or had a neutral interaction with another stranger. After this, the participants were asked to rate their sexual desire for their partner, their desire to maintain their relationship, and their willingness to deter others away from their partner.
In one part of the study, which looked at 132 Israeli undergraduate students aged from 20 to 42, the participants were asked to imagine the scenarios before evaluating their desire for their partner. In the second part of the study, the participants popped on VR glasses and watched as their partner flirted (or neutrally interacted) with a stranger in a crowded bar scene.
The VR system used at the Advanced Reality Lab at Reichman University, as it was in 2019.
In the third part of the experiment, participants were asked to recall moments when someone showed interest in their partner, or had a neutral interaction with them.
“We were in Tel Aviv, when suddenly this guy shows up and asks for my girlfriend’s number,” one participant recalled. “I got annoyed, like, who does he think he is?! My girlfriend quickly brushed him off, but my mind was already racing with questions: What if she finds him attractive? Might I lose her? Would she be happier with him?”
In all parts of the study, when someone showed interest in the participants’ partners, their desire to fend off potential rivals increased. However, their desire to maintain the relationship (for example by doing something nice for their partner) and their sexual desire towards their partner decreased.
So, why is this happening?
“When partners’ likelihood of being attracted to someone else is perceived to be high, such as when they receive attention from others, people may emotionally detach from their partner and consequently reduce their relationship investment,” the team suggest in their paper.
“Even though the desire to deter potential rivals may still exist, it may be more rooted in retaliation than in genuine efforts to maintain the relationship. Alternatively, the anger triggered by others’ displays of interest may be simultaneously directed toward both partners and potential rivals, albeit in different ways – resulting in emotional disengagement from partners and confrontational responses toward rivals.”
While interesting, there are a lot of caveats. As well as the study taking place on mainly young undergraduate students at one university in Israel, it also didn’t take place in real-world interactions, and may not reflect real-life behaviors, as the authors acknowledge. However, as a general guide, it would suggest that deliberately trying to make a partner jealous is not a good idea.
“While some people might attempt to make their partner jealous by attracting attention from others, hoping to feel more desirable or secure, research indicates that this tactic can backfire,” Professor Gurit Birnbaum from the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University said in a statement. “Rather than strengthening the relationship, it may undermine the very bond it seeks to enhance.”
The study is published in The Journal of Sex Research.
