“The point is, you told everybody that you were going to be different. You weren’t going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so horrible to you when you were growing up. So we sat back, we let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances, because deep down, we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you’d be back. In fact, if I may sing from ‘Hamilton.’” [sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVER

“What I’m saying is, let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations, everyone, you can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever one Babar the elephant was the ruler of, I forget.” — JOHN OLIVER

“What I’m saying is, don’t fight being a monarchy, Jon, embrace it. Kings get [expletive] done. Now, is it stuff that you want done? Not necessarily. But they do move quick! They taste cumin at lunch, and they’ve taken over an entire continent by dinner time. That is how the British rolls, Jon. [Expletive] everyone else. They’re not like us. In fact, if I may sing a line from Mr. Kendrick Lamar.” [sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVER

Stewart pushed back against “Ambassador Oliver,” saying that the imperial model may not suit America: “Not to be shortsighted, but, spoiler alert, John, things didn’t end up so great for the British Empire.”

“We are technically between empires at the moment, but we’re keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet.” — JOHN OLIVER

“Have you seen anything America has done over the last 50 years? Because for a country that doesn’t want to be an empire, you’re doing a pretty [expletive] good impression of one right now: invasions, economic exploitations, and now, suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been, like, ‘I don’t know, guys. Feels like the situation’s a bit more complicated than that, and I’m literally dying of medieval brain disease.’” — JOHN OLIVER

“This shouldn’t be a sad time. The arc of history is so long it eventually becomes a circle, and you end up right where you started. You might even call it the circle of life. In fact, if I may sing the great imperial subject Sir Elton John’s opening Zulu chant from ‘The Lion King.’”[sounds pitch pipe] — JOHN OLIVER

The Punchiest Punchlines (Less-Than-Super Bowl Edition)

“During his Fox News interview last night before the Super Bowl, President Trump said that he was backing the Kansas City Chiefs. Oh man, that sure didn’t work out. Who else — who were you backing last night, Drake?” — SETH MEYERS

“President Trump attended last night’s Super Bowl in New Orleans and saluted during the national anthem. Also, when the concessions guy came by: ‘[imitating Trump] Thank you for your service.’” — SETH MEYERS

“The game was over very, very early on. There was no three-peat for the Chiefs. You almost had to feel sorry for the Chiefs, as weird as that sounds. Not only did they get blown out, they got blown out on Tubi, of all places.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“True, the Chiefs lost by 18 points and did not score at all in the first half, or as CNN put it, ‘too close to call.’”— GREG GUTFELD